Note: This was originally posted on The Blufton Icon (Ada's sister publication) www.blufftonicon.com. We thought that anyone whose brother has turned 70 may appreciate this.
Sorry, can’t recall my first-ever meeting with Abraham Rudolf Steiner. Probably because of a focus on the larger question: “How did I get here?”
I do know it was Nov. 9, 1949. Thanks to my baby book, the roll of visitors on my first day in Bluffton includes the name “A.R.” Steiner.
He was 7; I had yet to experience my first-ever sundown.
A.R. claims he can’t remember our first meeting either, so, I don’t feel that bad.
The thing is, A. R. - my brother - turns 70 on Dec. 16. I mean, I can remember when my dad was that old, several of my uncles, plus lots of other guys…World War I vets, for example. Those guys were old. Really old. This is my brother, we’re talking about.
In my mind, he is the eternal high school student. He never grows old or grows up. He always wears his hair in a flattop. He wears white socks and blue jeans rolled up at his shoes. Now he claims to be 70. “Rudi, say it ain’t so.”
Since he never lied to me, I have to believe him.
For the curious, I wish to share some of the truths my brother taught me. I am eternally grateful to him for instructing me in the following:
• If someone hits you on your back when you are making a weird expression with your face, the expression will remain stuck in place the rest of your life. (He pointed out guys in Bluffton who this happened to.)
• When someone pokes a pencil lead in your arm it will travel through your arm and eventually comes out on the other side. (He showed me an example of pencil lead traveling up his arm.)
• If you pick your nose long enough your nostrils will become huge. (He pointed out guys in Bluffton who did this.)
• Immediately following a snowfall is the best time to do wheelies in the college parking lot - with your foot on the floor. (He demonstrated this technique to me in a 1956 Mercury not equipped with seat belts.)
• If you are able to acquire an M-80 and place it under a tin can after you light the fuse, the tin can will lift off the ground about 25 feet. (I watched this demonstration in our back yard several times.)
• If you put Bulldozer paint remover on your arm it will start to burn your arm fairly quickly. (No comment.)
• If you make a practice to hang around Bluffton town characters you will bring home lots of important information. (Case in point: I know the names of some people in Bluffton with missing body parts. I also know the locations of chips in Main Street buildings caused by John Dillinger’s gang.)
• If your work hard enough at it, you can make the sounds Spike Jones and Doodles Weaver made in their version of “Cocktail for Two.” (Google it on YouTube. You’ll realize how difficult this is to accomplish.)
• He informed me that it was Alfred E. Neuman (think “Mad” magazine) who first said: “It’s crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide.” He took the time to show me the issue that quoted Mr. Neuman. (It might have been number 15. I still don’t know its true meaning, but it is profound beyond words.)
Most viewers scanning these facts already accept them as truths, perhaps discovering them the hard way. I was fortunate to have an older brother who explained this stuff to me in well-thought-out, matter-of-fact lectures.
Now the guy is turning 70.
The weird part is… I’m still seven years behind him and have never caught up. I think I’ll call him and ask him to do the Doodles Weaver-Spike Jones routine one more time.
